Transformers: Age of Extinction Review

Well. It’s a Transformers movie. Michael Bay is still the director. Mark Wahlberg is the main actor. What do you expect it to be like? If you are a fan of long, drawn out, and mostly unnecessary action scenes, pointless scripts, and a storyline that has no substance whatsoever, then get in line for this movie right away. You’ll love every minute. If you are actually a moviegoer who enjoys intelligence, good acting, good writing, and a likeable story…basically anything that makes a movie remotely entertaining…then stay far away. There are so many things wrong with this movie and so many different plot holes that I wouldn’t even know where to begin listing them. There are so many problems I could probably make a list in three ways: chronologically, alphabetically, or on a scale of how much they annoy me from “well isn’t that convenient” to “this is down right insulting.” I just don’t understand this concept that modern action films feel like they are going to be judged on how many different special-effects driven action sequences you can pack into a two and half hour movie.  I would love to see the figures of how much money is spent on the special effects versus every other area of filmmaking because I can guarantee that more than half of the film’s budget went to the effects and about 10 cents of it went to actually writing the script. Every character is pointless, all the dialogue is meaningless, the plot is non-existent, things seem to happy for no reason whatsoever, it doesn’t explain anything, it makes no sense, it has no brain, and ultimately, there is no point to anything that happens in the film. You finish the ridiculously long run time (2 hours 44 minutes), take a breath, and realize “wait…did anything actually get accomplished for any logical reason in that entire time?” The answer: no. This may go down in history as the biggest waste of time ever in cinema history.

I have a few questions for the filmmakers that I would like to share because I think these are questions that deserve answers and can also serve as a means of personal reflection for the producers before they decide that the convoluted idea of making a 5th entry is the best decision since someone decided to create indoor plumbing. The questions are as follows:

  1. Do you ever have your characters think before they act? Or do you prefer to have them barge into random buildings, destroying everything left right and center, just because it allows you to make a couple more explosions?
  2. Could you have more product placement even if you tried? Also, if you’re going to destroy a bus, don’t make it a Victoria’s Secret bus! Rosie-Huntington Whitely could have been on that (not that you didn’t already destroy her film career before it even formulated during the third movie).
  3. Who read this script and thought to themselves, “Yes! This will make a brilliant movie and we must put it into production immediately.”
  4. Is Mark Wahlberg so desperate for work that he had to do this film? Shia LaBeouf I can understand, but not you Marky Mark. Not you.
  5. Did you see the plot holes and decide to not waste time filling them in or were you so blinded by the mindless explosions that you actually didn’t see them somehow?

I’m going to stop there because I think if I continue this rant I may actually lose my mind. This movie drives me crazier than the obnoxious seven-year-old rebel child in the tennis summer camp I used to coach last year. I would rather give him private lessons every day for a year than waste three hours of my life watching this loud, overblown, idiotic, monotonous piece of metal-filled trash again.  I pray that they stop the torture after this entry. I don’t think I could stand another Transformers movie after this one. But I just know that there’s a least going to be talks about a 5th film being made because unfortunately, Hollywood is made of money grabbing producers who care more about the box office than contributing to the rich history of cinema. And that is the reason why these Transformers films, and so many others like them, end up being so terrible.

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Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014): .5/4 stars

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